Thursday, February 18, 2010

Memo to Tiger: First, I would start out with your very best Brenda Lee impression: "I'm sorry, so sorry!" You simply cannot overdo the mea culpas as it relates to this most indelicate matter. You had best make it an Oscar-worthy performance, we know you have it in you.

Addicted or not, your actions were so reprehensible, so disgusting and so depravedly prolific as to have turned almost the entire female population of the planet against you in a way that women have almost never been so united.

If at all possible, make sure that Elin is in the room. This will immediately start putting brownie points and other favorable capital back into your completely depleted bank account.

If Elin looks at all like she is past all of your "transgressions" -- even as more former porn stars and others claiming a closeness to you reveal pregnancies and the like -- it will be Game Over.

Once the world sees that you have a shot at getting forgiveness, which from those early hours in the morning after Thanksgiving looked like a pipe-dream; you will be preceived to be in the clear and you can finally begin to grab a club and get back at it. The golf, that is.

This skeletal semblence of a press briefing (no questions will be answered) still persists in painting you as the ultimate control freak...trying and succeeding at manipulating all facets of your public persona as you did prior to the escapade in the Escalade.

Do whatever you have to do to dispell the notion that you are in command and complete control of the situation like in all things pre-Turkey Day. That ship has sailed.

Heck, even TMZ is adding a sports arm to its operation based solely on the interest everyone showed in your personal Texas Two-step of your marriage vows that you have done since just about the time you tied the knot.

This balloon has just gotten bigger and bigger over these past nearly 12 weeks and you are wise to finally put a prick in it and let all that air out. Especially since you want to make it back to the tee (hopefully, eschewing the T & A).

The Masters awaits and we all know that is your life's passion (besides Elin and your kids, of course)...winning major championships in a quest to surpass your white whale, the Golden Bear!

This, too, shall pass, Tiger. And I have no doubt that you will emerge from this battered, yet unbowed. This will be especially true once you start proving yourself on the course.

Elin's seemingly sudden about-face coupled with her dumping of the high-priced divorce attorney did much to assist in saving your bacon. I'm sure the multi-million dollar dive boat didn't hurt. It may have even out-Kobe-ied Kobe.

Of course, I will add this one caveat: All bets are off as it relates to your successful return should any Tiger cubs start to roll out. That would surely be a huge gust of wind against what is already a very shaky house of cards.

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